Member-only story
I was at a restaurant having dinner with my phone, when my girlfriend interrupted me with her thoughts. She tends to do that a lot. Doesn’t she know that her thoughts can’t compete with my phone, which has everyone else’s thoughts on it? So, I look up and smile. She lets me see her naked sometimes so I should be a gentleman and listen to what she has to say. Even though it won’t be awesome like the stuff on my phone.
“What are you going to have? I think I’m going to get the chicken.” she said with way more enthusiasm than could possibly be justified for chicken.
“No clue. I’ll just ask the waiter what the specials are and get the second thing he says. “
“But what if you don’t like whatever that is?” she replied with a tone that may not have been rude or condescending but I took as such.
“Then I can write a mean Yelp review about it tonight while you spend an hour in the bathroom. Trashing businesses helps me sleep. You know that.” She fucking knows that.
Just then, the waiter walks over. He asks if we are ready. I respond with something about needing to stretch first. Which I thought was hilarious but the girlfriend and the waiter have lame senses of humor apparently. He starts listing off specials and when he gets to the second one, I just say “that.”
“You want the pork chops, sir?”
Pork chops. What a great name for a movie about fat kids who take up karate to deal with bullies. Why hasn’t this been a movie yet? It is brilliant. Maybe even better than my idea for a barbershop in the inner city called N Word Scissorhands, that weirdly no one would fund. Anyways, I can see it now. A fat kid lives in the city with his mom, who has to work many jobs to support her tubby son. He eats a lot of ham. So much so that one of the catch phrases in the movie is the mother lovingly yelling to his room “hey fuckface, you want some ham?’ and he waddles over and she holds the ham up like she is a trainer at Sea World and he is Shamu. He jumps up and gobbles the cold cuts. One of the kids at school sees this, records it on his phone and shows the entire school. Fatty Magoo (working character name but I think it has legs) is humiliated and starts to be bullied. He can’t talk to his mom about it because she is always working and too busy.
