I’ll Have The Pork Chops

Pat Oates
4 min readNov 26, 2018

I was at a restaurant having dinner with my phone, when my girlfriend interrupted me with her thoughts. She tends to do that a lot. Doesn’t she know that her thoughts can’t compete with my phone, which has everyone else’s thoughts on it? So, I look up and smile. She lets me see her naked sometimes so I should be a gentleman and listen to what she has to say. Even though it won’t be awesome like the stuff on my phone.

“What are you going to have? I think I’m going to get the chicken.” she said with way more enthusiasm than could possibly be justified for chicken.

“No clue. I’ll just ask the waiter what the specials are and get the second thing he says. “

“But what if you don’t like whatever that is?” she replied with a tone that may not have been rude or condescending but I took as such.

“Then I can write a mean Yelp review about it tonight while you spend an hour in the bathroom. Trashing businesses helps me sleep. You know that.” She fucking knows that.

Just then, the waiter walks over. He asks if we are ready. I respond with something about needing to stretch first. Which I thought was hilarious but the girlfriend and the waiter have lame senses of humor apparently. He starts listing off specials and when he gets to the second one, I just say “that.”

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Pat Oates
Pat Oates

Written by Pat Oates

Author of How Not to Suck at Comedy. Comedian, podcaster, radio personality, pretended his mom was dead on tv once

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